Question: My husband’s lung cancer diagnosis and treatment are putting stress on our relationship. What can we do to help us cope better as a couple?

Answer: It is common for a cancer diagnosis to impact not only the person living with the disease but also their loved ones, including their partner or spouse. There are many key stress periods throughout a cancer experience, starting with testing, waiting for a plan, and the first treatments. Those are often layered with times of stress in relationships, such as raising children, becoming empty nesters, or retirement. You may notice that the roles that you or your partner typically held in the relationship are also changing to adjust to the time-consuming medical appointments or due to new physical symptoms and side effects.

Here are some guidelines to help you support one another and cope better together:

Face cancer as a team

When cancer is viewed as a shared experience to face together, instead of only affecting the person diagnosed, couples feel less isolated. Partners can work on this by thinking and speaking in terms of “we” and “us” instead of “me” and “you.” With a greater sense of “we” partners strengthen their ability to support one another, overcome challenges, and emerge stronger as a result.

Find balance in conversations

A cancer diagnosis can change how partners talk and listen to each other, even in relationships that had strong communication patterns before the diagnosis. Sometimes, couples can fall into extremes of either talking about the cancer constantly or trying to avoid the topic altogether. Instead, it is best to aim for somewhere in the middle.

If it feels like the diagnosis and treatment are all that you can talk about, seek out opportunities to talk about your relationship without illness as the focus. Taking a trip down memory lane by recalling significant moments or looking through old photographs can help start a conversation. Even if this brings up challenges faced before, it can remind you of the strengths you, your partner, and your relationship possess when facing difficult experiences.

If it’s the opposite, where one or both partners are avoiding talking about the cancer, it’s important to know that this could be happening with good intentions. Sometimes, partners try to protect their loved one from more stress, or think that by not talking about it, they are being more hopeful for their partner. However, couples who don’t talk about the diagnosis are found to have greater distress. Sharing personal information, like cancer-related concerns, feelings, and fears, is central to feeling close and connected to your partner.

Listen to understand

Relationship closeness isn’t only influenced by sharing with your partner. It is also strengthened by thoughtful listening that makes your partner feel heard, understood, and accepted. Try to let go of the impulse to jump in and solve or fix your partner’s problems. Instead, focus on being there for them and hearing what they are expressing to you. Three steps to try are mirroring, validating, and empathizing. These might sound like:

  1. Mirroring: “What I heard you say is…”
  2. Validating: “That makes sense to me because…”
  3. Empathizing: “I can imagine you might be feeling…”

If you don’t understand what your partner is saying, try using exploratory statements or open-ended questions.

Create a plan 

Life gets busier when you add in cancer treatments, scans, and appointments. It is common for time together as a couple to fall to the bottom of the to-do list. Try your best to make this a priority again. Some ideas are sharing a meal without distractions, having weekly check-in conversations about how each of you is doing, taking a brief walk, or stretching together. Be sure to choose realistic activities that the two of you enjoy!

Please note that the information included in any published answer is for educational pursuit only and is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. The reader should always consult their healthcare provider to determine the appropriateness of the information for their own situation. Nothing from GO2 for Lung Cancer should be construed as an attempt to offer or render a medical opinion.